Sunday, May 12, 2013

I'm Contributing To The Internet

I discovered something that I wanted to see which I was unable to google.

Kenny Johnson (actor on The Shield and Sons of Anarchy) as a younger man, on one of his first acting gigs: Family Matters.

Character name: "Gorgeous Waiter". From the 1993 episode: "Walk On the Wild Side".

Kenny Johnson was 30 at the time.

You're welcome, internet. I'm helping!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Top 5 Figures of Speech/Words That Are Hideously Overused

People have always had a tendency to latch on to certain phrases or words throughout time. What grinds my gears the most is how these words are used inappropriately and also how every single person acts like they're the only ones who say them. EVERYONE says this shit and they are incorrect.

5. "Awkward"

At every natural pause in conversation, there is some douche who will fill that space with "awkwaaaaarrrdd". I don't feel awkward. You're the one who's now made the situation strained. People do not have to constantly be talking. And just because there's silence, that does not mean that anyone truly feels awkward. What you mean to say is "I personally feel uncomfortable right now and cannot further contribute to the discussion, so I'm going to take the cheapest shot at a laugh possible because I have low self-esteem". Fuck those people!
Also totally unnecessary and grating:

"Well that was awkward"
"This is awkward but".....
"Awkward moment"

4. "Random"

I hate the use of this word. Almost nothing is random. "Oh, she's so random". What you mean to say is spontaneous.
Situations. For example: "That was so random". No, idiot. It wasn't. It was unexpected.
People and situations are not random.

3. "Not gonna lie".

Who the fuck started this one? Adding this phrase to the end of every sentence, whether it makes sense or not--I don't get it.

"I'm pretty hungry. Not gonna lie".

Well, why the fuck WOULD you lie about something like that?

See? People say it after the most trivial and mundane comments.
Please, please let this one die out quickly.

2. "Epic" or "Epic Fail".

What on earth makes this guy at work an "epic fail"?

Your coffee this morning was not epic. Your experience at the bar last night was not epic. It certainly wasn't epiiiiiiiiiiiiic.
I swear to God, every time someone drops something these days---what's the first thing they say? "EPIC FAIL". Or, it's bastardized version, "FAIL". It is not a failure, son, it's gravity. It is an accident. It is a mistake. I can guarantee you that nothing in your life is epic. Nothing you have ever done or ever will do is epic. Epic is "heroic and impressive in quality".

Lucifer got kicked out of heaven and fell to earth. That was epic. That was an "epic fail".

Hell, it was an epic fall.

And finally.........

1. "Nom Noms" or "Nom, nom, nom".

For some hideous reason, a person put words to the experience of eating something that they enjoy or tastes good. For some hideous reason "This tastes good" is not good enough. We must all be subjected to the baby-talk version. People that make noise whilst they're eating grosses everyone out. And yet now there are words to accompany it. This disgusting word is a verb, noun and adjective now. SHUT UP.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gonna Miss You, D-Hop

Caito's Top 5 Favorite Dennis Hopper Performances

Number 5
Easy Rider

Homeboy also wrote AND directed this movie. He penned the famous line "they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom, but they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em."

Number 4
Land of the Dead

Caito fucking loves Romero zombie movies. And so you're watching this thinking "Man John Leguizamo is such a great villain" until you meet D-Hop later in the movie, who out-villains the villain! He is a badass mother fucker!

Number 3
Twilight Zone Episode "He's Alive"

This episode wasn't sci-fi alien/monster scary, it was for real scary. A little too close to something real and chilling. Hopper was fantastic in this role and I was well scared by this as a little kid. Nothing's scarier than Hitler! Check it out!

Number 2
Apocalypse Now "What are they gonna say about him? He was a kind man? A wise man? He had plans, he had wisdom? Bullshit man!".
This character and Colonel Kurtz remind me of the definition of juggernaut. It comes from Jagannath, an idol of Krishna in India that was extremely heavy and carried on an enormous cart through the streets of every city. People had such blind devotion to it that they literally threw themselves under the wheels of the cart, being crushed to death. Nowadays juggernaut means anything requiring blind devotion or cruel sacrifice. (ie: D-Hop's photographer to Colonel Kurtz). In a completely unrelated side note: Doesn't everyone look sexier in Vietnam movies? Damn!

Number 1
Blue Velvet
Yo, homeboy is not just regular-crazy in this film, he's frighteningly a little too convincing in this upper echelon of fucked up.

And as a bonus I give you the WORST Dennis Hopper movie:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

I bet you thought I was going to say The Super Mario Brothers movie, but no. There is literally an epic fail that occurred whilst attempting to make a legitimate sequel to one of the best horror films ever made. (And I know "epic fail" is grossly overused but it is actually appropriate in this instance.) It is not bad ass and it is neither scary nor interesting. Do I own this movie? Yes I do, but fuck you, it said "Texas Chainsaw" and "Dennis Hopper" on the same DVD cover. You'd think this was a no-brainer. R. Lee Ermy showed him how it's done in Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning. That dude was wilin' out. But if you'd like to talk about "The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre" starring Matthew McConoughey and Renee Zellwegger then you watch too many movies.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear Cliff Lee

Dear Cliff Lee,

I know I haven't seen you in a while, but I heard you are doing well. I want to wish you the best with your new team, but I have to be honest: things aren't the same without you.

I miss you. I want you back. Please come home. Philadelphia has everything you need. Is it money? I can help you if you're hard up. I promise things will be different this time. I'm different. I won't yell at you anymore about anything. You were the best pitcher I ever had. I still think about the time we spent together. I watched you pitch for hours. I can't bring myself to visit you and your new team. I saw your picture on facebook and you look so.....happy.

I got a new pitcher now, he reminds me of you. He wears the kind of jersey you used to wear. Looks stupid on him though. He is 4-0 with a 0.82 ERA in his first four starts with Philadelphia. He's very similar to you.

He's not you though.

Please, please come home, Cliff.

Love, Caito

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Up, Buttermilk?

Top 3 Favorite Things I Saw on the Road With Chosen

To get Chosen to Oswego for a weekend or maybe just a single night of partying, took eight hours all together. The first two, to get to Ilion, took forever because I was typically by myself and could not wait to see him.

I'd pull up at the house and usually just turn right around, because Chosen had no interest in staying in that town for another second. He'd load his whisker or whatever 30-rack he'd been working on into the front seat with him and away we went. If I stopped at the Fastrac, I'd have to back right out so we could patronize a certain gas station that was locally owned instead (up working class punx).

So there was sometimes substances used and sometimes not, but the hilarity of those next two hours was the meat of my relationship with Chosen. He always had a new mix CD for the trip to put in right away and lots of stories, us gabbing back and forth and me nearly peeing my pants all the while.

After the party (or bender) getting on road again is one of the last things I'd want to do, but that was the catch, it was what I had to do if I expected him to visit. Had to get him there and then home again. (Except for one time when we spent all our money on drugs and alcohol and had no gas, he was soooo pissed).

So here's the Top 3:

3. A fucking SWAN in the middle of the road. It was gorgeous. I started laughing so hard and so did he, the silent laughing where you can't speak, except we both knew we saw the same thing.

2. Ok this was at night: A Tumbleweed! FOR REAL! Like this:
I know! We were on I-90, and not in the Wild West, but there it went, a huge ball, right in front of our car. And it was so ridiculous, made no sense, and neither of us could think of what it was called for about 10 minutes. I was like "It's called....what it does". Then, much later, after the laughing subsided: "Tumbleweed!"
I mean, there was one in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but not in upstate New York. Which makes the next thing I saw on the road with Chosen even more unbelieveable and probably not real.

Number 1: A Dead Grizzly Bear.
I'm positive that we weren't in our right minds for this one. But on the side of the road, just like all the other roadkill, was something gigantic--not a deer, not a skunk...but an enormous mound of fur---

"Was that a fuckin bear?!". And we talked about pulling over to check it out, but if it was a grizzly bear, and it was not dead....well then we better just keep on driving to be safe. But we'll never know.........

Miss ya bud

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Caito's Top 5 Mustaches in Film

Disclaimer: Just because I am glorifying mustaches with some excellent examples does NOT mean that everyone looks good with one. And it does not imply that I wish every man had a mustache.

Number 5
Giovanni Ribisi
My Name is Earl
I wish I had a better picture of him as Ralph Mariano. Aviators and flannel shirts are like whipped cream and sprinkles on top of an already delicious banana split. Also to show that you don't have to be a big cowboy to have a sexy mustache, little fellas can look bossy too.

Number 4
Billy Crudup
Almost Famous

This quintessential 70s lead guitarist mustache. This actor never wears a mustache other than this movie, and he looks bad.

Number 3
Daniel Day Lewis
There Will Be Blood

Mustaches look extra good when they're accompanied by a five o'clock shadow.

Number 2---Tie
Sam Elliott vs. His Younger Self

You gotta be fuckin kidding me. There are only a handful of people who look good then and now. I keep looking at Sam with grey hair and I think I like it more. Cowboys. Shoot.

Number 1
Frederic Forrest
Apocalypse Now

Best Mustache in Cinema! Remember what I said about the five o'clock shadow? Yo, give me a ten o'clock shadow whenever you want. This movie should be under "chick flick". The whole cast is eye candy, with sweat. But Chef's got it goin' on more than the others, so....congratulations.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Stalking Stalking the Earth

Besides nature’s beauty, etc…One of the greatest attributes of woods walking is being completely alone with your thoughts. I realize I’m risking pretentiousness here, but there are really not many opportunities for one to really and truly be alone. When you’re at home, you’re not likely to sit in a chair and ponder things unless you’re actually a philosopher sitting in a big arm chair in Paris, smoking a pipe. When you’re home, you’re unwinding; using your leisure time to entertain yourself with books or TV or the computer and it’s really not giving your head a break.

You are alone in your car, but you’re blasting music and your brain is working all the time to operate a vehicle and follow traffic signals, not really at ease, per say. Going for a walk in the city is OK, but still always alert, crossing the street, keeping tabs on every person you see and ultimately thinking about how you’re going to get where you’re going or what time you need to be back, etc…

In the woods, there are not streets to cross, you won’t get hit by car and no one is going to bother you about buying something from them. You don’t have to concentrate on anything you’re doing, it’s just you.

I was talking to a friend last weekend who grew up in an even more remote place, with acres and acres of forest at his disposal. He agreed that the most scary aspect to being out there is not running into a bear or a wolf, but other people.

Same view of the Choconut Creek: April, September & February