Thursday, June 3, 2010

Gonna Miss You, D-Hop

Caito's Top 5 Favorite Dennis Hopper Performances

Number 5
Easy Rider

Homeboy also wrote AND directed this movie. He penned the famous line "they're gonna talk to you, and talk to you, and talk to you about individual freedom, but they see a free individual, it's gonna scare 'em."

Number 4
Land of the Dead

Caito fucking loves Romero zombie movies. And so you're watching this thinking "Man John Leguizamo is such a great villain" until you meet D-Hop later in the movie, who out-villains the villain! He is a badass mother fucker!

Number 3
Twilight Zone Episode "He's Alive"

This episode wasn't sci-fi alien/monster scary, it was for real scary. A little too close to something real and chilling. Hopper was fantastic in this role and I was well scared by this as a little kid. Nothing's scarier than Hitler! Check it out!

Number 2
Apocalypse Now "What are they gonna say about him? He was a kind man? A wise man? He had plans, he had wisdom? Bullshit man!".
This character and Colonel Kurtz remind me of the definition of juggernaut. It comes from Jagannath, an idol of Krishna in India that was extremely heavy and carried on an enormous cart through the streets of every city. People had such blind devotion to it that they literally threw themselves under the wheels of the cart, being crushed to death. Nowadays juggernaut means anything requiring blind devotion or cruel sacrifice. (ie: D-Hop's photographer to Colonel Kurtz). In a completely unrelated side note: Doesn't everyone look sexier in Vietnam movies? Damn!

Number 1
Blue Velvet
Yo, homeboy is not just regular-crazy in this film, he's frighteningly a little too convincing in this upper echelon of fucked up.

And as a bonus I give you the WORST Dennis Hopper movie:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

I bet you thought I was going to say The Super Mario Brothers movie, but no. There is literally an epic fail that occurred whilst attempting to make a legitimate sequel to one of the best horror films ever made. (And I know "epic fail" is grossly overused but it is actually appropriate in this instance.) It is not bad ass and it is neither scary nor interesting. Do I own this movie? Yes I do, but fuck you, it said "Texas Chainsaw" and "Dennis Hopper" on the same DVD cover. You'd think this was a no-brainer. R. Lee Ermy showed him how it's done in Texas Chainsaw: The Beginning. That dude was wilin' out. But if you'd like to talk about "The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre" starring Matthew McConoughey and Renee Zellwegger then you watch too many movies.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Dear Cliff Lee

Dear Cliff Lee,

I know I haven't seen you in a while, but I heard you are doing well. I want to wish you the best with your new team, but I have to be honest: things aren't the same without you.

I miss you. I want you back. Please come home. Philadelphia has everything you need. Is it money? I can help you if you're hard up. I promise things will be different this time. I'm different. I won't yell at you anymore about anything. You were the best pitcher I ever had. I still think about the time we spent together. I watched you pitch for hours. I can't bring myself to visit you and your new team. I saw your picture on facebook and you look so.....happy.

I got a new pitcher now, he reminds me of you. He wears the kind of jersey you used to wear. Looks stupid on him though. He is 4-0 with a 0.82 ERA in his first four starts with Philadelphia. He's very similar to you.

He's not you though.

Please, please come home, Cliff.

Love, Caito

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

What Up, Buttermilk?

Top 3 Favorite Things I Saw on the Road With Chosen

To get Chosen to Oswego for a weekend or maybe just a single night of partying, took eight hours all together. The first two, to get to Ilion, took forever because I was typically by myself and could not wait to see him.

I'd pull up at the house and usually just turn right around, because Chosen had no interest in staying in that town for another second. He'd load his whisker or whatever 30-rack he'd been working on into the front seat with him and away we went. If I stopped at the Fastrac, I'd have to back right out so we could patronize a certain gas station that was locally owned instead (up working class punx).

So there was sometimes substances used and sometimes not, but the hilarity of those next two hours was the meat of my relationship with Chosen. He always had a new mix CD for the trip to put in right away and lots of stories, us gabbing back and forth and me nearly peeing my pants all the while.

After the party (or bender) getting on road again is one of the last things I'd want to do, but that was the catch, it was what I had to do if I expected him to visit. Had to get him there and then home again. (Except for one time when we spent all our money on drugs and alcohol and had no gas, he was soooo pissed).

So here's the Top 3:

3. A fucking SWAN in the middle of the road. It was gorgeous. I started laughing so hard and so did he, the silent laughing where you can't speak, except we both knew we saw the same thing.

2. Ok this was at night: A Tumbleweed! FOR REAL! Like this:
I know! We were on I-90, and not in the Wild West, but there it went, a huge ball, right in front of our car. And it was so ridiculous, made no sense, and neither of us could think of what it was called for about 10 minutes. I was like "It's called....what it does". Then, much later, after the laughing subsided: "Tumbleweed!"
I mean, there was one in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, but not in upstate New York. Which makes the next thing I saw on the road with Chosen even more unbelieveable and probably not real.

Number 1: A Dead Grizzly Bear.
I'm positive that we weren't in our right minds for this one. But on the side of the road, just like all the other roadkill, was something gigantic--not a deer, not a skunk...but an enormous mound of fur---

"Was that a fuckin bear?!". And we talked about pulling over to check it out, but if it was a grizzly bear, and it was not dead....well then we better just keep on driving to be safe. But we'll never know.........

Miss ya bud

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Caito's Top 5 Mustaches in Film

Disclaimer: Just because I am glorifying mustaches with some excellent examples does NOT mean that everyone looks good with one. And it does not imply that I wish every man had a mustache.

Number 5
Giovanni Ribisi
My Name is Earl
I wish I had a better picture of him as Ralph Mariano. Aviators and flannel shirts are like whipped cream and sprinkles on top of an already delicious banana split. Also to show that you don't have to be a big cowboy to have a sexy mustache, little fellas can look bossy too.

Number 4
Billy Crudup
Almost Famous

This quintessential 70s lead guitarist mustache. This actor never wears a mustache other than this movie, and he looks bad.

Number 3
Daniel Day Lewis
There Will Be Blood

Mustaches look extra good when they're accompanied by a five o'clock shadow.

Number 2---Tie
Sam Elliott vs. His Younger Self

You gotta be fuckin kidding me. There are only a handful of people who look good then and now. I keep looking at Sam with grey hair and I think I like it more. Cowboys. Shoot.

Number 1
Frederic Forrest
Apocalypse Now

Best Mustache in Cinema! Remember what I said about the five o'clock shadow? Yo, give me a ten o'clock shadow whenever you want. This movie should be under "chick flick". The whole cast is eye candy, with sweat. But Chef's got it goin' on more than the others, so....congratulations.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Stalking Stalking the Earth

Besides nature’s beauty, etc…One of the greatest attributes of woods walking is being completely alone with your thoughts. I realize I’m risking pretentiousness here, but there are really not many opportunities for one to really and truly be alone. When you’re at home, you’re not likely to sit in a chair and ponder things unless you’re actually a philosopher sitting in a big arm chair in Paris, smoking a pipe. When you’re home, you’re unwinding; using your leisure time to entertain yourself with books or TV or the computer and it’s really not giving your head a break.

You are alone in your car, but you’re blasting music and your brain is working all the time to operate a vehicle and follow traffic signals, not really at ease, per say. Going for a walk in the city is OK, but still always alert, crossing the street, keeping tabs on every person you see and ultimately thinking about how you’re going to get where you’re going or what time you need to be back, etc…

In the woods, there are not streets to cross, you won’t get hit by car and no one is going to bother you about buying something from them. You don’t have to concentrate on anything you’re doing, it’s just you.

I was talking to a friend last weekend who grew up in an even more remote place, with acres and acres of forest at his disposal. He agreed that the most scary aspect to being out there is not running into a bear or a wolf, but other people.

Same view of the Choconut Creek: April, September & February




Wednesday, January 27, 2010


After revisiting the darling coming-of-age film Detroit Rock City, I realized that KISS is pretty awesome. So much of their shtick is..... looking retarded..... and that kept me away from some really great classic rock. And you can really tell they're from NYC in the seventies. If someone put on a KISS song at bar, I might guess New York Dolls or The Heartbreakers. Not really anything difficult, I can see why one might be inclined to form a KISS tribute band. That being said, I still never, EVER want to hear "Rock and Roll All Nite" for as long as I live. But if you can get past that, it's a good band.

For example, I fucking HATED Lynyrd Skynyrd because "Sweet Home Alabama" is so hick-aliciously obnoxious that I never realized their self-titled record is some genuinely good rock. (That song is also NOT on it, but "Freebird" is ;)).

Point is, anthemic songs like that ruin a band's reputation and get old very, very quickly. Especially because every sporting event has the same 15 song track list.

Other songs which give a misleading representation of the band that recorded them:

1. "We're Not Gonna Take It", Twisted Sister
Bad! Same caliber of suck as "Rock And Roll All Nite"!

2. "Fight For Your Right", Beastie Boys
Ick! Everyone cues in on the gang vocals of the chorus like they've never ordered a Rick Moranis at a bar before.

3. "We Are the Champions", Queen
Queen is so SO much better than this. You know what---tie this spot with "Bohemian Rhapsody" as well. Yeah we ALL know the words to it, Broseph.

4. "Blitzkreig Bop", The Ramones
Hey Ho, Let's Go Fuck Ourselves.

5. "Mony Mony", Billy Idol
Billy is one of my favorite dudes ever. This song sounds nothing like anything else he does, but because he repeats the same word over and over, people at 50th Anniversary parties will be forming trains around the room being completely un-punk.

That is all. Listen to KISS.

Monday, January 25, 2010


I've been collecting unemployment for the past few weeks and man, was it fun! $90 a week sucks! I mean, I didn't earn it, but still.

"There's a rainbow!---ON THE GROUND!"

----Cute little , upon seeing oil on the ground underneath my car